Hi, It’s Amy.

Have you ever arrived somewhere, and you have no idea exactly how you got there – what route you took, or which turns you made – but you know you arrived? Perhaps you drove to the grocery store but cannot recall exactly which route you took? Or you got to work today but don’t know if you took the long way or the shortcut? Maybe you got your kids to school and got home, but have no recollection of the drive there or back.

I’m certain many of you relate…and this is exactly the place I found myself in towards the end of my marriage. I had lost myself and my connection to my husband, but I had no idea how I got there.

What I mean by losing myself is not what you might think. You might assume this means that I stopped riding my bikes, or stopped skiing. Maybe you think I stopped reading the books I so love, or stopped working on my house, or stopped baking, or gave up my career. No. None of the above. In many ways, all of these things actually increased in my life during my marriage. I was in my best cycling shape ever, and winning. I was hanging out with my husband, skiing, golfing, going to sporting events, playing. I was killing it at work. I had a beautiful home, redone exactly to my liking. I had plenty of free time, and two young sons to spend it with. I was able to support my husband in his career climb, graduate education, and his personal goals. In many ways, externally, I was thriving.

Precisely why I was so confused as to why I found myself feeling lonely, numb, detached, and longing for so much more.

Externally, I had everything I thought I ever wanted. I had my dream life. Except internally, I was moving further and further away from connection and intimacy with my husband, and totally unaware of how far I was drifting. What I thought were the “right” things to do as a wife and partner landed me canyons away from a healthy, connected, intimate and nourishing relationship.
Let me give you some insight into many of the things I did that landed me detached, disconnected, and disengaged in my marriage…

I attuned more to my husbands mood, needs and opinions far more often than I attuned to my own.

I used most of my energy to maintain his emotional equilibrium and neglected my own.

I forgot my own pain over and over and over again. Pain over fights, pain over feeling misunderstood, mischaracterized, unseen. Pain over unresolved conflict. I forgot all this pain, over and over and over again.

I paid little attention to my own emotions or preferences or needs.

I avoided conflict at all costs. Often using various rationalizations. “It’s better for the marriage if I let this go.” “I shouldn’t feel this way.” “My needs aren’t as important as the marital needs.” “I am selfish.” “You don’t get married because of what you’re going to get out of it.” “If I bring this up, it will just make him mad.” “If I keep “complaining” I am going to push him away.”

I treated my day-to-day emotions about the dynamics in our relationship as irritants to be ignored rather than indicators that something was off or needing attention.

I didn’t know how to hold space for my husbands emotions or struggles. I tried to fix, rescue, control and manage his stuff.

I didn’t know how to hold onto myself or my feelings, needs, and desires during conflict.

I spent little time cultivating my relationship with myself, with my inner world. I didn’t go inside often, or at all.
I didn’t know how to move through my underlying fears of abandonment in order to stabilize myself in the face of anger, disapproval, disappointment, or perceived rejection.

I served and prioritized my husband and his needs, preferences and opinions. My ego loved thinking I was a great wife, while my soul was lonely and disconnected.
I didn’t speak up for myself or my needs. I allowed myself to be guilted out of, talked out of, or shamed out of what I wanted or needed.

I abandoned myself at every turn, all the while believing this was in the best interest of my marriage.

I gave of myself emotionally but I didn’t know how to open myself and really emotionally receive.

You see, true, fulfilling, nourishing connection with another cannot happen unless we are truly connected with ourselves. And once connected to ourselves, we must show up as ourselves – authentically and honestly – in our relationships. Then, and only then, will we find what we crave – closeness, intimacy, love, attachment, bonding. This is what it’s all about. And we sacrifice the exact same thing when we lie to ourselves and to our partners about what really matters to us, what pains us, what we need, what we want.

If you are in a relationship and you have found yourself in any iteration of this scenario, I encourage you to reach out for help. Patterns don’t fix themselves. We must do the work. And when we do the work, we get the payoff.

I offer a Relationship Coaching Program where people just like you are healing their wounds, learning the skills to fight for themselves and their relationships. They are learning how to voice their inner world to their partners, learning how to hold onto themselves in relationships and learning to cultivate and water healthy, fulfilling, sustainable connection. They are supporting and cheering each other along as they learn how to navigate conflict in healthy and peaceful ways, and learning to treat themselves and their emotional experience with priority and love.

You matter, your pain matters, and your emotional experience in your relationship matters.

If you want more details on how to be part of my Relationship Coaching Program, or my Monthly Coaching Membership, simply reply to this email and I will be in touch very soon.