Hi, It’s Amy.

One of the greatest sorrows of my life has been my divorce and the loss of my family unit. The family I chose to create – meaning the man I married and the two boys I brought into this world. My family.
You see, I came from divorce. My parents separated and divorced when I was a tender 10 years old. While my adult self can understand and empathize with the difficulties of romantic love and long-term relationships, I still ache for my little girl self and for all of the pain that she carried alone, without the development or words to articulate her pain.

As young as my teen years, I swore to myself I would never put my kids through what I had experienced as a child…the conflict, the divisiveness, the resentment and anger, the split life, split holidays, the guilt and the sorrow of leaving one parent to see the other, always missing one or the other parent, being in the middle of conflict and disputes, even despite my parents attempts to dilute it. I watched and longed for what other kids seemed to have: family vacations, family dinners, two parents at events and celebrations, laughter and enjoyment of one another and togetherness, shared stories, shared difficulty, shared life. I craved the connection that family can create. I felt so split. I longed for a shared identity, one place to belong, one place to call home.

I silently endured what was, for me, a lonely and difficult part of my childhood. I internalized so much.*

My parents did their best, at the time, to provide opportunities for me to express my feelings. School counseling groups, questions. But at the time, I could not, and did not, know how to express what I was going through. I was a highly sensitive and people-pleasing childl. Even if I had the words I don’t think I would have been able share my pain with my parents or anyone else for fear of hurting them or becoming a burden. (Early in my 20’s, to my good fortune, I asked my parents to sit with me in therapy, separately, so we could talk through my pain from those years. It was so healing to express to them what I had held in for so long, thank you mom and dad).

Now fast forward with me through my young adult years and all the way to 2013: College, graduate school, waiting tables to pay bills, running from emotional intimacy in all its forms, raging eating disorder, depression and isolation, practicum, internship, licensure…first real job as a therapist, first new car, put myself in treatment for my eating disorder. 30 – move to Colorado to pursue my passion for the outdoors and love of the mountains, pursue my dream of building my own practice and life in my dream destination, met and married who I felt was the love of my life, started my private practice. I notice something is off with myself and potentially my relationship. Therapy. Pregnancy, gave birth to my first baby boy, supported my husband through an MBA program while he simultaneously travelled 50% of the time for a full time sales job, moved into a larger home, difficult pregnancy, gave birth to my second baby boy, husband broke leg while heli-skiing in Alaska, husband had to leave
big and lucrative job due to management change (our primary source of income!), husband formally diagnosed with Bipolar II, severe. Lots of marital and individual counseling. Feelings for man outside of our marriage. Denial. Emotional affair. More denial. Exposed phone bill, husband confronts. Husband confesses to one night stand in year 1 of marriage and almost one night stand in year 5 of marriage. Fighting, anger, hurt, conflict. I am swirling, confused, disoriented, lost. Divorce.

Yes. Divorce. Divorce. DIVORCE. ME? My marriage?! The girl who swore to herself that she would never, never, never, never! The girl who had endured such sorrow and hardship from her own parents divorce? The marriage and family therapist? Yes. Her. Me. I was facing exactly what I never wanted. For myself or my children.**

I was shocked and traumatized. I was ashamed of myself and my relationship failure. On the outside, I was strong and self-assured, giving all the right answers. But on the inside, I was numb and unaware of how to reconcile the life that I was living with the life that I never, ever wanted to live. And I absolutely never wanted to perpetuate divorce on my children.

I know that, for so many of you, as you read those last sentences, you relate. You feel it. You know the pain of wanting to leave but not wanting to hurt your kids. You know the guilt that comes with the idea of pursuing divorce and two homes. You know the desperation and despair that comes with repeat fights, repeat issues, repeat patterns. You’ve tried, hard. You’ve given your all to resolving the issues. If it was just you, you would peacefully end the relationship and move forward. You could walk away more easily without the enormous guilt regarding what the kids will go through. If it was just you. But it’s not.

I cannot count the number of clients I have worked with through the years who have known, in their bones, that the right thing for them to do for themselves is to end their relationship. They know it, they feel it, they trust it. Yet they stay. Spiritual guilt and confusion plague them. They don’t feel they have a good enough reason to leave the relationship. They don’t feel their mental and emotional health is as important as the kids. The sense of responsibility they feel for the kids mental, emotional and spiritual health keeps them stuck. Often they are waiting until the kids are out of the house to leave. Or have special “arrangements” in place with each other to get their needs met outside the relationship. Or they live depressed, lonely, angry, isolated. All “for the kids.” ***

Now, I am not here to advocate for impulsive or reckless destruction of relationships. I am not here as a proponent for divorce, in any way. We all know the pain and trauma that comes with relationship or family breakups. I wish this on no one.

But I AM here to advocate for the kids. And for your soul. I am here to advocate for a new and better way to do divorce, when it’s inevitable. When its time. When things fall apart. When the options have been exhausted. When it’s no longer healthy or sustainable for you to stay. When you must go.

So let’s imagine together for a minute: Let’s imagine we can do divorce in a way that preserves and protects the emotional life and development of our children and ourselves. Imagine that we can re-design divorce in a way that holds childhood sacred, that defends its joy and innocence, and allows for the transition of one thing into another. We can structure it in such a way that maintains the framework of the family that so much of healthy childhood and development require.

Imagine that can allow for the death of our marital relationship but allow for the life of the family to live on. Imagine that we can move on from our partner emotionally yet remain a family unit. Sit together at events and not have to fake it. Have dinner together and enjoy it. Travel together. Make decisions together. Do holidays together. All the family things continue. The marriage ends.

Can you imagine? I can. I see it. I watch it happen. I’ve done it. And it’s beautiful.

This is a difficult and controversial concept for many of my friends, family, and clients to wrap their heads around. There has been plenty of resistance and so many questions. Is this even possible? Can you actually separate as a couple but maintain your cohesiveness as a family? Is it healthy? Doesn’t it delay moving on? Is it codependent? Doesn’t it prevent full grieving? Isn’t this just trading one form of dysfunction for another? Why get divorced if you are still going to spend so much time together? Good questions!

Is it non-traditional? Absolutely. Is it messy? It can be. Is it educated, enlightened, and informed? For sure. Is it a more compassionate and emotionally intelligent approach to marital endings? Yes! Does it keep the children and their mental and emotional health as the highest priority? 100%. Does it come with unique challenges and emotions? Yep. Will it challenge you to work through your emotions in a way you never have before? No doubt. Will you question if it’s worth it? Never….you will know that what you are doing is so you and your children can have a rich and satisfying family life despite the breakdown of the marriage.

I am data-driven and want to make this possibility both empirically based and pragmatic for real-life families dealing with real-life stuff. With difficult variables. With complex emotions. With all the things that come with life and relationships as we know them today. I’m here to tell you it’s possible. And it’s beautiful.

Coaching individuals and families in this direction has become one of my passions. It isn’t easy and it isn’t linear and it isn’t perfect. But it’s possible. And it’s happening.

*In time, the pain of my childhood and teenage years combined with my genetics and temperament manifested as a life and soul-sucking eating disorder…so much love for women with food and body image issues, More on all of this in my next article!
**I want to make sure to express my belief that often, the life we never wanted becomes the life that is better than we even imagined!
***The argument that staying in an unhealthy or toxic relationship “for the kids” has been scientifically and pragmatically debunked.

Much love to all of you out there who are showing up, telling the truth, and fighting hard for yourself, your families and your kids. I see you.